Struggling with should

Time after time, I catch myself muttering, "I should do..." fill in the blank. Doing something because it is the right thing to do, the noble thing, the path of least resistance is the land of should.

I should send a thank you card.

I should wear sensible shoes.

I should respect my elders.

I should not call attention to myself.

In my first career, in newspapers, I found myself following a litany of shoulds. Although I did not sacrifice my entire sense of self in my attire and attitude, I admit to time and time again toning things down and not following a whim because if how others may perceive me. When I first started working in newsrooms I was only seventeen. At that point in my life, I loved to change my hair frequently. The color would swerve from red to platinum blonde to black in a matter of weeks. I really enjoyed expressing myself in that way. Until a very dour senior editor took me aside. Aghast at one of my latest reincarnations, a jet black pageboy hairstyle, she actually tugged at it, not believing I would make such a drastic change because I suppose she herself would not. In that one conversation on that one morning, that woman in a way forever ruined my confidence. She took what was mine, my hair and my right to self expression, and squashed it. She made me feel that any swift move, any straying from the world of shoulds and propriety would surely result in my utter failure in my career and possibly life.

She made me feel that I should not express myself freely. She stunted me.

There for a while, I went through a period that I really, really wanted blue hair. To me, it was the epitome of cool. Lately, my desire has become more plum tinted. I've recently been reunited with my all time favorite hair stylist. I made an appointment with her and printed out photos with bold swatches of color. Before I went to get my hair done I was at my sister's house, who herself used to be a stylist. I told her I wanted purple in my hair and she busted out the should talk. "I'm not telling you what to do but I don't think you should," she mused "you're trying to find work right now. The kind of people you are going to meet aren't going to like that."

Jeez Louise, here I am starting a new career and I'm transported right back to being seventeen and having someone act like my hair is going to destroy my ambitions. Seriously?

I went to see Machele about my hair, showed her the photos, explained my new career aspirations of cooking professionally, needing to find work and needing to exercise that whim to add some funky color to my hair. Now Machele is a rare bird. She does the hair of all sorts of cool rock and rollers. She could just give me exactly what I show her in the inspiration pictures but she doesn't do that. She thinks about who you are and what you do, how often you really get a hair cut, how much maintenance you are into and how this new look is going to suit you. That to me is an art. She's like a hair psychologist. 

Once we chatted about where I wanted to go, she busied herself mixing up some color and got to work. She decided to give me lots of chunky blonde highlights which I've loved in the past and some subtle streaks of purple here and there. The hair is a compromise of what my heart desires and what the job market will bear. I feel good because I didn't listen to the "should." I found a way to work my way around it.

Now that I'm trying to break in to the culinary field, my heart is talking to me again and telling me to look into catering. But the" should" keeps speaking up and telling me finding a spot at a restaurant to start my new endeavor is the way to go.

After spending a long time following the shoulds in one career, I'm trying not to let them over power me on the second time around but they are just so insistent and bossy.

I've got to find my way to work around the shoulds this time. Everytime I check out my rock star hair, I remember for a second that it is possible.

Comments

[kristen]

this post serves as testimony that most times, the shoulds are part of the process, and almost never the answer.

i think the color sounds fantastic.

[susanna]

I saw your hair and I think it looks great!

[margie]

to all those people who care about your hair, oh well. i have a very strong dislike of the word should. i bristle when people use it with me. so many other ways to say it, like, "you may want to" but should, myob.

[chocolate covered musings]

tony robbins calls it 'shoulding all over yourself' which i think is a great way of looking at it.

anyway, forget all that - i want to see the new funky hair!!

[m. heart]

the hell with "should," that's what i say!