Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Hello my dears,
It seems I've been away for a bit longer than I expected here. And even before this break, I've  not felt up to par for several weeks. I don't think March is my month. The past few years, March seems to hold a concentrated dose of emotions. Two years ago, my grandmother was in hospice care and died. The anniversary of her death is tomorrow. Coincidentally, perhaps, her sister, my Aunt Dodi, began hospice care last week. Last year, I was such an emotional puddle as my Grams anniversary approached. This year missing her is compounded with watching Dodi slip away before my eyes.

Along with that sadness, I must admit I am angry as well. When Grams was sick, my sister, mother and I pitched in. Uncles, aunts and cousins came to visit. Some after years of not speaking. There was a sense of our family coming together and closing the door on old wounds. With Dodi, it's just me. It troubles me that a person can live such a full and admirable life as Dodi has and have it end with no fanfare or support.

I'm feeling very much alone in this grieving. The grief that  began two years ago when I lost my lifeline and that is there with me everyday as something occurs to me that I want to tell her or cook for her  or tease her about.  Now there is this added grief of losing hold of Dodi, too. Taking care of her has been a way of honoring my Grams. When that connection ends it is really breaking me off from Grams even farther.

These past few weeks, I can not get enough sleep. I go into bed early and stay there late. Just laying in the darkness, patting one of the dogs absentmindedly, wishing I never have to get out of that bed and face the world. Knowing I feel out of sorts, I went to visit my neighbor who is gives Jin Shin Jyutso treatments, which is an Eastern acupressure technique. She reminded me that we are mammals. It is in our nature to want to hibernate in winter. She suggested I don't fight the desire to sleep. So I've been snoozing away whenever I can.

I think though that there is more going on than a primal physical need for sleep. I think I'm sad and that is so hard for me to admit. When I look at my life, I have so much- Sweets, our home, good jobs, amazing beautiful friends, our families, our willingness to engage with the world. How can I admit that I am deeply sad right now?

How can you get over something if you can't admit it?

So my friends, I admit to myself and to you that March is not my month. And that's okay. I admit I am sad. That I am scared. That every day as I field phone calls from hospice nurses that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for that wave of sadness to crash over me. I think that part, at least for me it not okay. I dwell too much on what may happen before anything actually occurs. Today, I'm going to try to just take what the day offers. Tomorrow I'll allow myself to miss my Grams. And for the days that span ahead, I'll try to sleep a little bit less, live a little bit more and get by the best I can.

Comments

[caroline]

I'm in such a similar place to you and really relate to the sleep thing. Just want to stay where it is safe and OK to stare at nothing or close my eyes to make the sadness go away. My gran was so important to me too and I still miss her, 8 years on... The important thing for me is to honour that, because she deserved it, she deserves to be thought about still and always and when I think like that it's less painful. She's still here. I so admire you and all the work you do for your aunt Dodi. Sending you much love and hugs. xoxo

[kristen]

sending you peace and love. thank you for checking in. xo

[deb]

It's okay to be sad. In fact, you're honoring the loss of your grandmother and the coming loss of your aunt.

I'm reading a book right now about grief, it's very short and to the point. It's called "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John James and Russell Friedman. I don't agree with everything they say but they do have a point, we're not taught how to cope with loss. And loss and suffering are certain things in life.

Take care.

[Carmen]

My life changed so dramatically and unexpected the beginning of March too.
I had to close my blog against my heart.
But please know that I will keep coming here to check you out and to participate with you in your life.
Stay hopeful my dear, I am doing my best too!
Carmen

[PixieDust]

You cannot overcome the sadness if you don't face it... I'm glad you've acknowledged it without giving it power... March is soon to pass, and spring will wipe the sleep from your eyes.

:-)

Sending you love,
(((HUGS))),
Me

[darlene]

i understand this sadness, this heavy. my sister died on easter sunday and in a couple of weeks it is the anniversary of the loss of my sons and last week a friend died. it can be a tough time of year and being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to grieve is the best thing you can do for you. sending you love, xo

[Shannon]

I am thinking of you right now, at 2:39 PST. Sending you a huge hug and big, squishy thoughts of peace.

[jenica]

(((hugs)))

it's ok to feel sad. recognizing it is the perfect thing to do. so sit with it until you're ready to feel something else.

[m. heart]

"i won't heal unless i cry"
i often think of this line from "know who you are at every age" (cocteau twins) when it seems i'll never stop crying. here's to crying, healing, and better days ahead.
sending positive thoughts you way,
m.