The Metaphorical Magpie

Enclosed in the rain: Self Portrait Challenge

After a bit of a break from participating in the Self Portrait Challenge, I've ended up more choices than I know what to do with. I know many people have submitted photos of themselves enclosed in a car. But I like this one anyway because of the reflection I wasn't expecting to capture but loved the surprise. I have to say the enclosed theme for the challenge unsettled me this month. I found myself thinking quite a bit about the variety of ways I find myself being enclosed - in my body, my profession, my family, my community. It's been a month of tears and temper tantrums. I think I've pushed up against some of those enclosures this month to see if the confines can be broken. In some cases, I've realized I merely have to lift a latch and push a gate or reconfigure my way of thinking.

If you are so inclined, click thru for some of my self portrait alternates this week: 1) In the Lincoln Tunnel travelling from NJ to NYC, 2) In the sleek, silvery lift 3) fenced in and 4) trapped inside a garden globe.
Enough photos of me already. Go visit the other people cramming themselves into small spaces for the visual enjoyment of others.

Summer migration - part 2

 I promised to show the bird swap package I received from Jek straight away but that plan was waylaid by my grouchfest. This was the kind of swap package that if you were told you could never swap again, I'd be satisfied recounting the memories of this one. Two months in the making, this swap was worth the wait.  I started modeling the custom dishtowel apron as soon as I pulled it out of the box. I wore it all night and fought off the childish urge to wear it to bed, too (more on her aprons here). The cute bird plate will only get used for the yummiest of desserts. I collect blown glass birds. Now I've got the teeniest one I've ever seen. That darling beribboned box was loaded with goodies. She customized a photo album that will be perfect to help organize wedding plans, a mini album that can house my collection of Useful Birds of America trading cards from the 1930's and a set of mini cards and envelopes stamped with birds and birdcages. There was birdseed flavored lip balm, handmade bird buttons, a paper fan to cool down. We both sent  the same hook. I sent white and received black.

could keep doing bird swaps forever probably. So if anyone is interested in trying one with me let me know.

Cinema therapy

When you're feeling funky, not much makes you feel better. For me, I find movies and music help tremendously. In the past few weeks, I've gone to the theater to see Little Miss Sunshine -twice. On the first visit  to a matinee we were turned away. Senior citizens swooped down and sold it out! The second try, we went to the last show and got in no problem. If you haven't seen it yet, please do. Pronto. Just look at sweet little Olive's face above and how could you say no.

Every once in a while You've Got Mail is on tv. I never see it from the beginning but that's okay. I just love to hear Joe Fox call out to his dog, Brinkley, in the park as he goes to meet Kathleen and reveal himself. Oh, and you should know, I get real cranky if anyone is talking while I'm trying to watch the end of the movie. I will shush you. Repeatedly if need be.

One of my all time favorite films is My Man Godfrey. It arrived from Netflix just in the nick of time to cheer me up. The dialogue is rapid fire and the costumes divine. Carole Lombard sets out to find a "lost man" in the ash pile to win a high society scavenger hunt and ends up finding the love of her life, Godfrey.

I think I like both of the last two movies because they are about not judging a book by it cover. It's fun to think that someone you might think are mean or creepy or whatever could turn out to be your favorite person in the world.

Look up. There's magic in the sky.

My sunshine has come
And I'm all cried out
And there's no more rain in this cloud
"No More Rain (In This Cloud)" - Angie Stone

I've been humming the lyrics to this song since yesterday. I've been slowly pulling myself out of the cavern of funk I recently backed myself into. It's good to be back out in the light. The first bright spot came on Sunday night. We booked a flight to Seattle  for a 10 day trip starting Sep. 23. I cashed in some the Continental OnePass miles I've racked up. The airfare is costing us $10 roundtrip. That's a savings of about $800. How awesome is that?

I can't even begin to tell you how much I need a vacation. The siren song of the Pacific Northwest  is calling out to me. This will be my third visit to Seattle and a first for Sweets. I'm not exactly a Seattle novice but certainly not an expert. If  you have ideas of things you think are "musts" to do while there please chime in. Especially if you are a native. A mid-week jaunt to Vancouver B.C. or Portland, OR are being considered. Both are about 4 hours away. Cyndemouse and I went to Portland in 2004. Vancouver would be a totally new experience for both of us. This will actually be our first big vacation together.

For fun the other night, we both took the quiz at Find Your Spot. After filling out a lengthy questionnaire about your preferences on weather, culture etc, you get a report on what American cities would be best for you. Portland won top ranking for both of us. So, I'm not sure if we should go there so Sweets can
see it for himself or opt for the new experience. Decisions, decisions.

Tuesday night, I was surprised to arrive home and find Jpo and Jet in my kitchen mixing up gin and tonics with starfruit garnishes. Super yum. Sweets taught us how to say naughty things in German. The more gin we drank, the funnier it seemed.

My schedule at work shifted to 11-7 ish for a few days this week. Last night I didn't leave until closer to 8 pm but the sky was still light for a portion of my drive. Sunsets are rare treats for me. Cyndemouse had me over for pasta with clam sauce and some good ol' fashioned bad girl talk. We're hatching a plan for a very exciting party this fall.

Things are looking up.

Incidentally, the photo above is from a sunset over Seattle on one of my previous visits.

Breaking down or breaking through

For the past week or so, I've been feeling particularly bad. In a bad ,bad mood, that is. So no posts, no Self Portrait Challenges or anything else.  I've just been stewing and flouncing and carrying on. The fewer witnesses the better. The past few days have been most difficult. Last week, I had a meltdown in the office and behaved badly. The nicest fella you'd ever want to meet ended up catching my fury and I gave everyone else the silent treatment for the rest of the night. The following day,I woke up, said good morning to Sweets and then cried for an hour. He sat with me, even though it was making him late to work, while I sobbed. All these half coherent things came up and out of me. 

* I feel ... frightened. One of my co-workers was carjacked by gunpoint a few weeks ago and it really shook me up. I used to feel wary navigating the city when driving home every night, now I feel panic when people are milling around on the corners. To make things worse, a young man was shot to death a block and a half from the office on night last week.

* I feel... unsafe. There are alarm gongs going off in my head that ring Sept 11, Sept 11, Sept 11, Sept 11, Sept 11. The five year anniversary has me in a stranglehold for some reason. The foiled plot for inflight liquid bombs had me in a tizzy. When the smoke alarm went off in the house early one morning last week, I was convinced there was a fire in the walls and the house would burn down. I couldn't sleep. I worried all day.

* I feel... angry. Really, really angry. Mad at the post office lady and my co-workers and those fucking terrorist assholes that have to screw it for everyone.

* I feel... toxic. Every day, I look at all these nasty news pictures of bad things happening in the world and it is gunking up my brain. I am under so much pressure everyday to meet deadlines, make the right decisions. I feel like  there is this pressure right underneath my breastbone and it is going to explode one of these days.

I feel... trapped. I've been in newspapers since I was 17 years old. I kind of fell into it and found I had a knack for it and  stuck with it. I didn't pursue my B.A. after I got my A.A. because I was doing well. I've contined to do well, exceedingly so, to be truthful. Success can be a trap. The more you have the hsrder it is to let something go. I've always been a practical person. It doesn't seem practical to leave behind a career I've invested almost twenty years in. Or to give up working for a really incredible company that provides a level of benefits that are unheard of today. And then there is the money. I don't see how I could get anywhere near matching what I make now if I switch gears and try something new. My practical side is saying "The idea of walking away is crazy. Just stop it. Walk it off. Get back to work."

* I feel ... resentful. Working at night and the long commute add up to little free time. I resent that other people are having fun. Isn't that a terrible thing to admit? I resent that I am not exploring my creativity more.

* I feel... like I've lost my center. The loss of my Grams is still so palpable. I miss her every day. She was the reason I stayed here. Now without that tether, I'm not sure if I should fly away or stay put.

* I feel... tired. Most nights I get two solid hours of sleep. I rarely dream. My mind races. Turns thoughts and images, often of the day's news, over and over. I finally asked my doctor for a prescription. I start tonight. I didn't want to resort to drugs but I'm willing to give it a try for a few weeks to see if it helps.

I feel... like a whale. That scale is no friend of mine. One step up onto it and I go sliding into a vortex of self loathing and derision. I'm afraid I am never going to be comfortable in my skin.

I've been describing this past week as a breakdown. Yet, it may really be more of a breakthrough. If I can be honest with myself about what I value, want and need maybe I can figure out what to do. Honestly, I have been such a crazy bitch this week and still my awesome tribe of dear ones have all tried to help me through to the other side.

Talulah says: "Girl! You know you are fabulous! ... u look skinny  as hell so WHATEV."

Cyndemouse reminded me: "You bought a house by yourself, renovated it, have dogs that you love, found a fiancee, take incredible pictures, have a great job, are part of this amazing online thing with your blog. You have a great life. I don't know why you don't see that."

ME called from Cali to chime in suggesting Sweets and I both take leave of absence after the wedding to work on a book together. Or as usual, encouraged me to act on my more than secret desire to move to the west coast.

Sweets stayed level headed with me. He stayed objective. He told me I over reacted when I blew up at work. That I need to be able to articulate my desires more clearly than "I want to take pictures and write and make stuff." Making stuff doesn't cut it. I need to be more specific. We should focus on planning on our wedding and enjoying the process. After that is accomplished we can do whatever we want. Move, get new jobs or stay put. Whatever we want.

Now I have to work on unravelling it what that means for me. What do I really want?

Self Portrait Challenge

This weekend I finally got to go peach picking. The orchard smelled wonderful. It was like being inside the oven while a peach pie was baking. Okay, maybe not quite that hot. It topped 100 degrees last week. The mid 90's over the weekend seemed cool compared to the previous days.

As Sweets wandered the rows of peaches and nectarines, filling his bag, I dawdled behind with my camera.  Suddenly I was climbing up into a tree. Surrounded by boughs and leaves. Feeling the sun on my face. Admiring the shapes of the trees. Before we left, I asked him to stop so we could inhale the peachy aroma once more before we left. With 16 lbs of peaches stowed in the car, the scent came along with us for the ride home.

When we got home and ate one out of hand, we were gasping and murmuring they tasted so good. Grocery store produce can't compete with tree ripened fruit. So, so good. We made a peach gelato using a recipe intended for mangos. It called for lime juice. Peaches don't have a flavor that stands up to lime as well as mangoes. So it's more like a lime sherbert taste with a peach color. We're going to try ice cream next. On Sunday morning, Sweets got up before me and made peach stuffed french toast. All by himself. With bacon. Is it totally clear now why he is the guy for me?

Cyndemouse got a portion of the peaches but there are still plenty more here to eat. If you have a favorite peach recipe, I'd love to have it. If I get home at a reasonable time tonight i may try something called upside down peach pie.

The trend of an alternate image continues. For more self portraits,  get cozy at Self Portrait Challenge.

Summer migration

A few months ago, I participated in a Pretty Birds swap hosted on Swap-Bot. It was so much fun, I decided to do another one with Jek. She's also doing one with Joleen. We vowed to do this swap in May, set a deadline to mail, pushed it back and back again and then the packages just seemed to ready themselves for shipping simultaneously.

Swapping with Jek has me a bit intimidated. She's like the rock star of swapping. All the crafty goodies she designs are so awesome. (If you don't believe me, check out her shop.)  I tried my best and in the end I think I did a pretty good job.

Jek sent me a note today to let me know she got her package. So it's safe to reveal it's contents.
This is a peek of what I sent to her. I found the hummingbird hatbox at the Marshalls around the corner from my house. The figurine was from my personal bird collection. I thought his feathers would match the shade of green Jek recently painted her kitchen. It's sitting on gorgeous postcards of nests and birds that I scored at the Anthropologie store in NYC. There are items for her garden like the welcome sign shown here, a suet feeder to bring real birds into the garden and a fun flamingo banner to flutter in the breeze. I fussed over a few handmade items. This decoupaged birdhouse was so fulfilling to create. I'd like to make some more. I also made a card and a bird themed mix cd. Lots more goodies were in the box. A rooster soap, flamingo shaped bath gel, lipgloss, hairpins, a lovely dovey birdies hook. More photos in my swap set on Flickr.

I should receive my package from Jek soon. Maybe even tomorrow! I'll post those goodies as soon as I receive them.

TV withdrawl

Recently, I started getting all twitchy because there hasn't been any tv to watch. Or my usual favorites anyway. We got the first disc of Greys Anatomy Season 1 from Netflix and gobbled it up in two days. I came into the show a bit late in the game, so it's nice to be able to go back and start from the beginning.

Last week, I decided to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on a whim. I was crazy about it the first season but our relationship petered out. The episode was so much fun. They helped this cute trans boy Miles (formerly Amelia) get a fresh start in New York City.  That show just makes me happy. Despite all of the overt merchandise placement. After that, I caught an episode of Project Runway. So many of the blogs I read go on and on about the show but I've never seen an episode. I liked it. The episode I saw was the design based on the dog as accessory. The next night I came home and tuned in again. People are going to hate me but I sort of like Angela.  And Bradley. I always love the weirdo guy. Alison is cute as a button. I so want her hair. Her designs are impressive. The first show I saw I thought Laura was a bitch. Then she grew on me. She's this fun dichotomy of uptight Uptown with the mouth of a  truck driver. Kayne reminds me of my friend Craig, who is rocking Asia right now. Uli is totally fierce. Keith is like a confection with a sour center. His loss will most definitely make the show less snarky.

I poked around the web and found Tim Gunn's podcast on itunes and Bravo. He gives lots of behind the scene details that you don't see on the show. Keith's spectacularly flame -out is laid out blow by blow by Gunn. If you love the show, you should be listening to the podcat, too.

This week, I think I'll stick with PR. Then I'll check out The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman on IFC. Hmm. We'll see.

I knew it!

My horoscope by Holiday Mathis in the newspaper today:
"GEMINI (May 21-June 21). The universe is begging you to relax! For you, an unhurried sense of time is a glorious luxury! Truly, it's one you can afford to lavish in now, despite the zillion things you "should" be doing. Do you dare banish the "shoulds"?"

Consider those "shoulds" nixed. I'm gonna kick back. Pinky swear.

Summer awaits

stone circle, originally uploaded by roxydynamite.

Last weekend, I let the summer take me over. All plans were abandoned. I spent a quiet morning putting finishing touches on three swaps and phoographed them. Later I went to the post office and let the packages go. It's always so hard to let them go. I just want to keep tweaking and adding.

I spent a few hours alone, pretending I was a tourist in Ocean Grove, a quaint Victorian seaside town. My first job was working there in the bakery. I stopped there feeling nostalgic and bought a big rainbow sprinkled cookie and a rasberry bearclaw. When I first moved out on my own, my first two apartments were there. It's a sweet spot to wander. Popping in and out of shops, listening in to conversations of real tourists, stopping to take photos. I had a restorative afternoon. I bought  a magnet to include in the Pack it Up Small swap, I'm working on for August. A newish cheese shop looked inviting. I chatted with the owner about my qualms about goat cheese. She offered me a mild goat gouda. It's a bit goatier at home than I remember tasting at the shop but it's not bad. My tastebuds are trying to process this new flavor.

We lounged around the house some. Puttering in garden during the day and taking advantage of the warm evening air. Sunday afternoon we selected fresh Jersey peaches, tomatoes and corn and made a simple but sumptuous seasonal feast at Cyndemouse's house. We finishing the evening with rootbeer floats.

I don't know what we'll be doing this weekend. That's quite refreshing to not have plans all set. Our option include blueberry and peach picking, matinees and who knows what. I'll let the summer tell me what to do.

Self Portrait Challenge: In the ice box

Cilantro sniffer, originally uploaded by roxydynamite

The theme for August's Self Portrait Challenge is enclosed space. I wandered around the house trying to find a place to stuff myself. The combination of the heat and an inflammatory problem, didn't make the prospect very inviting. The coolness of the fridge beckoned to me. So I wedged myself in there. Amongst all my favorites: jars of emerald green pickle relish, maraschino cherries, and hoisin sauce, bricks of gouda and feta,bottles of Bacos and coconut soda, and a pitcher of iced tea brewed with my Grams' recipe. The crisper always has lemons for tea,limes for gin and cilantro for sprinkling. Cilantro smells so good. I love it when I carry its scent on my hands for hours after cooking with it.

This image probably speaks to my relationship with food. I adore it. Can't stop thinking about. We're having a life long love affair. I'm one of those people that is eating a meal and begins to think about the next one simultaneously. I crave things like Indian cuisine, giant rainbow sprinkle bakery cookies.blood oranges, potato chips and cheese. I can't rest until I consume them. Then I feel satisfied. Momentarily.

I love food. The result is I don't love myself and my lack of self control so much when I'm faced with an accurate image of what my body has become. I never planned to be a Botticelli. Am I on my way to being a Barefoot Contessa? The reality is I was never confortable with my body when I was a skinny little thing, or at my peek weight or now somewhere in the middle. I don't think food can be blamed for that.

My alternate photo  for this week is here. More of the Self Portrait Challenged are here.

This post is the official unveiling of my new blog. The old blog is still there. It's archives have all been moved over here and all new posts will be made here now. Please update your bookmarks.

Sweets spent about four months designing and then redesigning this blog for me. First he designed the flag. It is so absolutely exactly what I envisioned. Then, he taught himself Dreamweaver, designed the page and then scrapped it. We're hosting with Typepad because it has more functions that we like. And many of my favorite blogs are using it.

I know that most of the people stopping by for a read are Internet Explorer users. The old site was horrible to look at for them. This should be much nicer for IE and Firefox users. There is little glitch with the flag in Safari. We'd love to hear some feedback from you on the design. Especially if it is not working properly. Enjoy my new nest. It's always open for you to make a landing.

XoXo.
Madamoiselle Magpie